Bradaw

Bradford Thomson Dawson was born on June 3rd 1980. He entered the world unwillingly. I think he was happy “en-wombed” with me. Dr. Struyk said he had never seen a baby who seemed to so consciously refuse to stay into the position necessary to be born; after several manual attempts to align Brad's position to head facing up, Dr.Strike made the decision to use forceps, he pulled, forcing Brad out into the noise and intense lights of the delivery room. Bradford screamed in protest. I don't blame him.

Today with all the vast knowledge I learned about the nature of “birth trauma” I would have disallowed this action by Dr. Struyk to be taken. Instead I would have waited patiently, reassuring myself and Bradford that it was safe to be born at this time, that he could be involved in his own decision to be born, that there was time to not be forced, that there were safe and gentle ways to enter this world. I realize now not having dealt with or healed any of my own birth trauma or resolved my own mental- emotional issues that I was not prepared to bring another into this world. Most mothers in this culture who give birth are not self actualized enough and are even kept from being taught and coached in the sacred ancient ways of birthing a divine being without violence.

I would have sought out a trained and skilled midwife long before the actual birth event who, being a woman herself, would have understood the importance of pre- birth preparations not taught in medical schools to insure for a safe entrance into this challenging life as a human being, she would have been able to reassure me to breathe, relax and wait... that it was ok to not feel the need to rush or push unknowingly and to please a system.

I understand now without judgement I was a “patient” there to “deliver the goods” to accommodate the Drs. schedule and hospital policies and move in and out of their system quickly. I was young and unaware, ignorant of my own body; the ways of the “wise midwife women” were a distant memory in my psyche from aeons past. The infant Bradford was going through the most terrifying and intense experience of his tiny existence. I knew nothing of this extreme entrance called “Birth” that we all go through, ignorance is not bliss.

It has taken decades to let go of the regret, blame and guilt of Brad's violent beginning in that June evening delivery room.

Decades later, Rebirthing myself was my own re-entrance to Life at a new level of consciousness and a new beginning that offered a process of deep inquiry and healing that has empowered me to make amends for these missteps with my child.The yearning to free my own soul has required a very big shift and willingness to change my life's focus, the lifestyle and my values have undergone a complete makeover. I have committed myself to the path of “Awakening” to completely Heal and return to Wholeness. I am still relearning and remembering my innate wisdom. I am humbly grateful for this Grace that has intervened via my souls promptings to show me there is a path of Peace of Liberation from suffering and doubt and that it is possible to be free of anxiety, but first the confusions and traumas of the past must be dealt with and released,this is the work..This is the part that cannot be skipped or glossed over, the heavy inner search and work must be done, there are not shortcuts to this process. This is a very serious and long journey, but if a soul is ready and ripe there is no other choice but to unravel its knots and Ascend...This is the gift and legacy I leave for my son Bradford, his sisters, my ancestors and all those whom I encounter on Life's Path now going forward.

The Current situation ……….

As a result of his traumatic birth Bradford has been unwilling to cooperate with or trust others. His birth style set a theme; teachings “ by Leonard Orr/ Rebirthing '' call this early trauma his “personal lie” that can only be changed by transformation and establishing a New Law to live from that is free from the original trauma within... Brad has consistently set up “reenactment scenarios” where being pulled out of difficulties and forced to do something against his will have led to predictable outcomes again and again, most of them not pleasant. Brad is now 41. I have been a partner to all of this “replay-insanity stuff” by being a supplier/ and a classic “mother enabler” these supplies have included various places to live,cars,food,furnishings, financial bailouts and a host of other attempts to rescue him including years of therapy.I have meddled in his disturbing and dysfunctional relationships with women and others.I have agonized almost dying, been hospitalized more than once over his misery and suffering..Its astonishing the amount of energy I have conjured, all the pleas for counseling and rehab I have invested with my own life force energy. Resistance, anger refusals were the responses from Bradaw. All in vain.

I realize at last what it takes to let go, to live from a higher perspective of truth. Learning how to detach from another isn't easy or free, releasing another you love is the ultimate freedom for you and them. This is how karma works, it's a very just system.

I finally got it, enabling isn't love. I've come to see that instead it's a very self defeating and dysfunctional pattern or self abuse taught and learned from one's own ancestors who sadly were shown the same practices, none of them that I know of made it out of the swamp of delusions, addictions, most died early and sad loves of cynical and unfulfilled lives.

Real Love has a backbone of internal and external integrity, it can say “NO” it has strength and power as its foundation; it is a force of miraculous endurance that has supernatural abilities to become detached from people, places and things without becoming unloving or cynical. Real Love cares but doesn't become untethered from its center of truth no matter what's happening.. Its deep sense of connection to the Divine assures its ground of being is kept hermetically sealed in safely. It has gone beyond this phenomenal world.

This place of acceptance is the goal, but is not an easy attainment as all illusions and hopes that another will change have to go... AA and Alanon and other 12 step programs really do work, but getting to a place of going and staying in these trainings is the hardest part of the process. Most choose denial. The saddest death is an unfulfilled life of potential not realized. Shame and ignorance are powerful jailors.

At around 11 Brad started experimenting with drugs and alcohol. These drugs became more powerful and the use of them began to shape his response to life and those around him even deeper. It didn't help that the family he was born into had plenty of dysfunctional behaviors with members who abused pot and alcohol as a way of life, behaving as though being high was a normal life. Then there was all the fighting. His father and I divorced when he was 8, complicating an already unstable situation. By the time Brad was in middle school and then HS his path was set, selling and using drugs. Emotionally he stopped maturing and growing up and into a fully functioning man.

About the Art...Twelve years ago I received a “Divine Download” to draw this picture, the words flowed out; it is called the: “The Incarnation of Bradaw,( Bradfords renaming) his Crucification, Transcendence and Death” I sent him a copy which shocked him, he said it deeply disturbed him, he threw it away, burning it up in a fire.

The words are as follows: “Bradaw appears to have one toe to stand on, the strength and balance to hold this pose requires focus, strength and will.

He is touching the earth with his being while in a state of suspension,his arms are held by chains which are actually only ribbons (illusions and fear) and the expectation for someone to rescue him.

He has incarnated into this lifetime to touch down to the earth. With relative ease he could set down the raised leg and foot and place both feet on the ground, becoming rooted to the earth but he chooses not to.

The beings peeking out from his body are the voices of the fragmented selves, some are playful and innocent, while some are angry and quite destructive; he is confused and doubts himself and who he is; his emotional-mental body is being cleaned and cleared anyways, even in his unconscious state.

The Goat symbolizes stamina and hardwork and the agility it takes to climb to the higher realms without falling, they take their time grazing and wear a bell so as to be heard and found.

The dog symbolizes the loyal companionship of his soul, its noble heart follows its own divine instincts to return to source.

The tent symbolizes the growing and harvesting of the “Plants'’ for livelihood..the plants inhabited the earth long before humans, the plants are powerful partners offering shamanic assistance, but must be respected and not abused or used selfishly for money or escape from facing life.

The upper right hand corner symbolizes the Mother Mary who is kneeling in prayer as she practices holy purification rituals of water and the washing away of sins,these practices of cleansing impurities activate her life as a “sacred rememberer”.She awakens to the truth of her powers as the Divine Mother/healer archetype.

His father stands divided, holding a wad of money as The Way to be of Value. His boyish ways serve as a reminder to not grow Upward..

Bruce the good stepfather rules over the practical kingdom and determines values and worths of the mundane aspects, he possesses large hands and feet so as to be able to handle the huge responsibilities he is given over to.

The tipi symbolizes the Tribal Ancestry which numerically explains Bradaws Incarnation holding the door open to the codes of his initiations and freedom.

9=completion

5=freedom

4=balance

3=joy, the other numbers 1,2,5,7,8 speak through image symbolism throughout the painting

Bradaws work here is to mirror and enact the generational insanity, he is an actor on the stage of his own life for all to see, this is his career and purpose.He is to use higher intelligence to connect and clear,then enter the valley of the shadow of illusions, heal it all and be Reborn.

The revolving numbers and colors signify the levels he must successfully complete on his physical journey here in this incarnation,

His inner light is strong and not destroyed, yet the skin around the heart is broken to allow his immense flower of radiance to open..he feels great pain longing to be whole.

The “33” on his right side signifies the pain and sacrifice required to reach “33” which means: Blessed, Savior, Teacher to all…

Bradaw is a living crucifixion of his own agreement, he wears a pain filled crown of thorny knowings and smokes marijunna joint to ease his pain as he encounters his demons of aloneness,self abandonment and insanity; he must unravel the spirals and knots witnessing listening and detaching from the world of the usual. This is the way of Shaman.

The fire on his head is the Holy Fire Spirit. His spirit is immortal.

His wild hair is his power and hat of attainment, his crown of guts and glory.

Bradaw’s holy Affirmation and Prayer is: “The Sane and insane coexist as is.. I am life,I am death, I am all things, I am immortal, I am God.

I am never alone no matter what I see or don't see visible or invisible.

God is the Ground, the air, the sky,the water, the plants, the outhouse, my toe, my leg, my eye, my everything. Everybody, everything everywhere AWAKEN!!! Open your holy third eyes, sleeping queens and kings... pray, purify, and envision Your True Self as the Force of Divine Light. COOPERATE. REALIZE...this is our purpose to wake up NOW. BLiss awaits.

When Brad was just 3, I offered him some pots and pans as his first introduction to the art of drumming, by late middle school he was playing on his first official drum kit his dad bought him for Christmas. He could play long and hard for hours; “Pearl Jam '' & “Guns and Roses” playing through his headphones. He would emerge calm from his den of drumming.I never heard a thing from down there, but was happy knowing he had found his art medium and was being supported to salvation... Later a band would be formed called “Nefertiti”, a type of playing immerged that he called “jazz fusion”. Drugs and alcohol were always a part of the playing. Later Brad self taught himself how to play the piano. He and other jazz musician friends played in local pubs and restaurants, getting paid for their music. They were good.

Brad has always been social and friendly, he has a way of being a brother to all, he seems to possess an innate intelligence and compassion for a wide variety and types of people. He has a special connection with Actors and musicians, Masons and misfits. A wide customer base visited his dwellings regularly as his pot selling business was his main money source; music was second, although Brad said music was his “true lover” over and above all else. As time went on Brad moved from Michigan to California where his father lived. Brad was unhappy at the EGR high school, saying the school was fascist and all the kids were rich, yuppie pricks, including us. So he dropped out and enrolled himself in a homeschool called “Clonlara”out of Ann Arbor, saying it was the first time he actually learned something and enjoyed school. He graduated and received a diploma. I was amazed at his strength of will. He lived with his dad while driving back and forth to Berkeley Ca, where he enrolled in a “Pro Tools and Video Symphony training school” he learned the art of Mixing music, this skilled trade served him well over many years and in many capacities. He knew what he wanted and went for it.

As his addictions to substances gradually grew, he was overtaken. I watched this crumbling and falling into deeper darkness, it's part of what happens when death is in charge.. His God became “Highness” he worshiped at its altar day and night. The doors of hell opened even wider and welcomed him to enter and explore even more. He did.

I am only skimming the surface here of a few details of his life. There are so many hilarious, interesting and tragic tales I could tell, but this is a blog and that's another book for later telling. To sum it up Brad continued his descent into drugs and alcohol addiction deeper and deeper. So far in his 41 years starting in HS he has moved about some 30 times, he has not been able to be in sustainable relationships with people he has wanted to be with including his own family, His descent has been a tragic sadness and heartbreak for us all to witness...We have all suffered by its toxic reach. His unsorted confusions and raging ghosts have been the fuel of self destruction and self sabotage behind years of acting out, his last several years have been the most difficult as a mother to witness. His descent into mental illness made worse by his loyalty to addictions coupled with behaviors of depravity. His aggressivity finally exploded, exposing the linchpin of a destiny change.

Around 11pm, an hour before midnight Brad decided to start letting off bottle rockets and fireworks from his front porch off wealthy street in downtown Eastown Grand Rapids. His neighbors complained that he would stop, of course wouldn't and continued defiantly. A male neighbor approached Brad coming up onto the porch where Brad was, loud threats were exchanged between them, the man then attempted to take the fireworks from Brad: a scuffle took place, Brad escaped inside returning with a gun which he held to the man's face threatening to kill him. Several police cars had arrived by then, a street blockade closing off traffic. Brad was arrested and taken to jail, Booked and placed on $8000.00 bond.

Brad is scheduled for a court hearing in a month to determine his future fate, In the meantime his sister Maggie decided unbeknownst to me to post his bond using her wedding ring valued at $8000.00 as collateral. This decision is between them. He was released, ordered to attend rehab and a support group. He must be 100% clean by his hearing date, as this will be a determinate in this very serious possible felony charge and in deciding his future fate. His birth style of being pulled and forced out is at work here. The Law decides for you until you are ready to take full responsibility for your own life and Create a New Law of Life that is the ReaL One.

An agreement had been made prior to this incident with my daughters and my husband Bruce and under the guidance of our family therapist Marrianne who has been with our family through all of these last years of Brads and our struggles. We agreed that we would not interfere with Brad's consequences, however each party involved has their own karma with Brad, so the agreement was not kept by everyone. I don't know yet how this will play out, maybe it's not even written yet. I will close by saying after these last extreme happenings occurred. I decided to “Go Black” with Brad,that means disappearing from any other involvement, no phones, emails or contact of any kind as a way to cut ties and allow him and myself the full benefit to recover without interference.

It's possible, even likely our destinies will reconnect us in some future timeline but for now, I am guilt and obligation free. I will hold a place of deepest love and support for us as a sacred holder and continue on as his Mother, but through prayer and meditation. Whatever lessons and agreements Bradford and I have agreed to as Souls before incarnating here now feels completed in this phase. I have released him to his own choices and his own sacred Soul destiny, I love him very much, in some strange paradoxical way he has freed me to go as well. I bow to Bradaw, my Extreme teacher.