Interior Design + Inner Design=One

In the Autumn of 2008 I was still living in East Grand Rapids Michigan; I had left the Interior design business that I had been a part of since 1990 in a cooperative called “Rooms to Remember” with 7 other designers, all women. I joined this experiment after I was divorced from my kids father in 1990. I needed to resurrect my former career; 11 years had passed since working outside the home scene. I had a son 8 years old and twin girls who were 4. I had graduated from Kendall College of Art and Design in the early 7o's, having completed the Interior design program. I liked design and felt it was something I could do that was creative and offered me the ability to be fulfilled by helping others in achieving beauty and order in their environments. I hoped I could earn a good income as well, It was a good decision.

I was a young girl of 10 when I first began to unknowingly practice Interior design. Our family's home scene was chaotic, no one was in charge, my mom was overwhelmed with 5 kids, ages 19 months to 11, she and my dad had split or rather he left her and us for another, my mom went to work as a church secretary...she needed money, the child support he was paying was not going to do it.

Dealing emotionally with a disorderly environment became for me a coping response in order to reign in anxieties I had no control over…as an eldest daughter I was conditioned into over-functioning and care taking others ; I repressed authentic emotions of fear and resentment, the needs for reassurance and love went underground hiding in caves of unconsciousness.

During these early years, when most kids are playing, I obtained instead, experience in furniture arranging, picture and rug placement, along with other household management skills; the role of “the responsible one” included cooking, (self taught) child care, house cleaning, yard work and acting as personal consultant to my mother, which revolved around her adult needs; of hair styling and makeup/skin care, foot massage and wardrobe consultation, in addition I became her “intimate listener and guidance counselor” I was privy to her most intimate relationship issues and sharings of her own childhood traumas, seriously dysfunctional stuff. I became a child expert on very adult only matters, this caused serious distortion issues around “who am I ? Trauma hides so much from the victimizer and the victims, sadly. No one is to blame and everyone suffers..

I went deep down this rabbit hole of losing my childhood or more accurately having it stolen from me for a very long span of time.This losing connection to my true self would take years and years of descent into different types of experiences that included a variety of abuses, paralyzing anxiety as the shadow ghosts hung out; all levels of my body my mind and my emotions were affected; the pain-power necessary to gain enough courage to decide to come back to life apparently was given, incrementally as i could take it in, thanks to my soul and the Divine Force of love. I decided I actually wanted to live; but only after a long time and after I had reached acceptance that it was going to take cooperation, let go of control is not automatic. I've had to accept blindness and learn to feel without the lights off, to see things in the darkness...this is a different level of feeling and trusting.

I just got to a point where I didn't want anything else but to unravel the truth of myself. Something took over and for the last 17 years I have been only interested in “healthy narcissism” with a focused, intense dedication of the self actualization process and healing trauma...Believing this is my destiny to heal all traumas in this lifetime and to realize Inner Christ Consciousness interpreted as coming into a state of higher Consciousness where Unity with the Divine Force is restored and remembered.

Bottom line is the practice of losing myself offered me a direct experience into the terrifying experience of total lostness, the belief that I was all alone created feelings of dread and depression. My first suicidal thoughts were at 12 years old and never really went away; I felt so encased in unbearable emotions; I actually felt as though I was being buried alive! I acquired some of this stuff as an inheritance from my ancestors and parents unresolved traumas. My survival ego got installed in very early childhood to be a fake surrogate parent, so I would feel safe and taken care of. Thank you Ego, you brought us through a lot of shit. My true nature of being was covered up and my soul’s voice was gagged for this step parent, so it's time to go EGO.

Because of this unholy exchange, caring for others and needing them to take care of me for survival became the central focus of my life. Slave status.

None of this is conscious, so great amounts of effort have gone into defending its effects as untrue and needed to be denied in order to get out of bed. I have met with persistent and strong resistance from within and of course from my family of origin and others. Most people cling to their families, settling and pretending they are OK and normal, terrified at the prospect of unemeshing from these powerful systems of control and the ultimate fear, Abandonment.

I understand these feelings deeply and it is no small thing to dig one's way out of the muck, back into the light and be able to stand totally on your own. It takes immense will and dedication to heal and order one's own mind. It has now occurred to me that my early Interior design practices as an adolescent haven't gone to waste, as they paved the way for a rich career of creative expression and knowing how to multitask really well... I can now use this material as a spiritual-metaphor. My Inner designing consists of beauty and balance and order of my mind, emotions and heart; it looks and feels pretty good and in order. In here. I now can feel without Anxiety and have learned its Ok to slow down. I prefer to say “I'm Slowing up.”